Xmas letter UNCUT VERSION!!! part 1

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings and Aloha from the Liens!

You are getting this letter because you are a part of our lives and we love and appreciate you! We really do hope and pray that your lives are full of love and joy, and we encourage you to appreciate the good that can come from enduring through difficult times if that's where you find yourself right now.

Well even though our marriage is about to enter into it's third calendar year, it has only been just over a year since we fuzed our lives together and still, there has been much that has happened in that short amount of time.

Last winter seemed overly long (don't they always). We stayed indoors mostly (for a change), as we enjoyed, and at times struggled, to get to know one another better in a marriage context. We have been looking for many ways to simplify our lives and save money for more important things, so instead of traveling much, except to see family a couple of times, or constantly going out to do activites, we tried to have lots of our friends over for dinner and card/board games as often as we could.

We did actually get to go on quite a few fun trips though, mostly when it got a little warmer. We went down to Kansas City, MO to visit Zach's sister Christa twice; once in February with the Liens, and again over Memorial Day weekend but this time just by ourselves. She was doing an internship at a ministry school there and it was so nice to spend some time with her, and check up her, because we know it can be scary and sometimes lonely without family when you move out of the house for the first time. Also in February, after a surprise Valentines Day where we got to spend more time at the Hotel we stayed at after our wedding and skipping out on work the next day, we drove out to Pine Ridge SD to visit our good friends Jake and Lizzie (and their soon to be baby) Ladd who were living out there for the year to volunteer in the community. It was so nice to be out of the city and in the open air with nature, instead of cars and buildings, all around us. We played lots of games, drank coffee, rested and had many good talks. At the end of March we went, on what we thought would be a much more inexpensive and relaxing trip, to Florida for a few days. We both got really burned on the second day and spent most of our time carefully walking around our room with chilled wet towels hanging all over our bodies. We spent Easter up north with the Liens and Stephens, mostly relaxing and enjoying the family we unfortunately don't get to see often enough. For the first half of the summer we didn't travel much because Hope was helping the Ladds prepare for the little one to arrive and she wanted to be close by to support them when the baby was born. We did take one weekend though to go camping in Wisconsin with our friends Mark and Jacquie Nordling. It was a lot of fun except for the fact that we were extremely unprepared compared to them. I guess we didn't take into account that it might rain, so we got pretty wet and had no dry place to sit, but the Nordlings were nice enough to share their towels and chairs with us. Friends are great! In July we met Hope's parents, Mark and Diane Asprey, in Austin and then drove out to Indiana to help out with and attend Hope's cousin Rachel's wedding. It was really great to spend more time with Mark and Diane on the trip and It was nice for Hope to see her cousin again and for Zach to meet her for the first time. For Labor Day weekend we had our third annual end of summer gathering with our friends at the Asprey cabin near Backus, MN. At the end of September we were fortunate enough to get a couple of buddy passes to fly to Alaska to visit our good friends John and Renee Smith, and their two boys, one of them brand new!; Levi and Emerson. We had a great time with the Smith family. Emerson was so cute and Levi has gotten big enough to talk and play without ceasing. Zach was able to help John and John's dad winterize their somewhat new home. Hope had a great time helping out around the house, catching up with Renee and spending time with the boys. We celebrated our first anniversary up there by taking a day to drive along the coast to a ski resort. It was the off season so we got a really nice room for cheap, and we took the tram up to the top of the mountain to take in the view and eat a fancy dinner. It was just what we needed to reminisce about our first year being married and make some great speculations about the next one! Each season can sneak up on us pretty quick and then it's gone before we know it. We were able to go home to see each of our families once during the fall, as well as making it out to Chicago for a weekend finally to visit our friends Jamie and Andy Engelhardt, who Hope grew up with. Again, there were good talks and fun games. We had an early Thanksgiving with the Lien's and Stephens at Zach's sister Hannah and her husband Mark Sylstad's new home in Grand Forks ND. It was awesome to have the whole family there! Matthew and his new wife Kayley, both sides of grandparents, and even Christa and her friend David made it up from down south! The actual Thanksgiving weekend was spent in Austin and Owatana with the Aspreys and Heils. Again, it was great to spend a long weekend with all of the family. We are so blessed to have both of our families and many relatives all within a days drive. We are planning on being up north for a few days over Christmas and then heading down to Austin the next weekend. Wow, so I guess we did go to a lot of places this year.

z

looking for a new way

I've been singing and cursing, I've tried loving and killing, but have I spoken your name

I listen to beauty unmatched, from every direction, yet I hear nothing you say

what words will I whisper that come first to my lips and ring new to your ears

what cells can be switched, rearranged by perfection, to detect waves unheard

my life is a song sung out of key

the melody seems right, but not with the harmony

with what note shall I begin?

my heart races; I better choose one.

z "..I've been searching for new chords. A different way to say your name, to hear your voice; I gotta find new chords..."-Cody B. (ACB) "..my heart is ringing out of tune, my heart is ringing out of tune, my heart is calling out for you..."-Brendan B. (TREOS)

We're really doing it Harry

We are officially moved into our new home in South Minneapolis. We are stepping out into the great unknown of community living and hopeful to glean perspective and self-less attitudes. Our new roommates include Dave and Lea Berg (the townhomeowners), Jake, Lizzie and Nash Ladd, and dogs Bama and Emery. So far we are comfortable and have most of our things organized and put away. Some people are confused and don't really understand why we would want to live in community. This is our chance to simplify. To gain insight from other married couples who are at different places than we are. To share life with people everyday. To understand something greater than what is the Lien's house, the Lien's food, the Lien's bathroom. I can't wait to see what this fall will bring.-H

"..a life of joyful unconcern for possessions..."

I've never wanted nothing more in my whole life than I do now.

The verse "he who loses his life will find it" has never made much sense to me. I understand that it should make sense and that it is the truth, but I've never felt the reality of it fully. Do most people think it's silly to say stuff like "I want to have nothing so that I may have everything"? I guess I should not care what other people think, except for I wish I did have a more persuasive way of saying it. How about: I find emptiness in so many things, at least some in everything, and I can no longer convince myself that I'm living life the right way and gaining joy from it.

The truth is, I have always had true Joy and Hope in my life, but I've always had true emptiness too, and I'm tired of being pulled more toward the empty things; those that seem most appealing, and feeling increasingly distant from Joy and Peace; which are abstract, seem unobtainable at times, and frankly don't very often offer much "pleasure" or "happiness".

It appears that people try to become radical to make some statement; in the end it always feels like they just found a new way to elevate themselves and lower others. I pray that I don't fall into this sinful trap, and I pray that I'm not all talk. I think that radical lifestyles conducted in the way that I just mentioned usually just hurt people and turn people off to someone's new ideas, except for those who see it as a way they too can find some elevation above others.

The non-conformists and radical people I have met and heard of that actually bless me and inspire me are those who don't seek attention; they just try to live their new life the way that seems right and they hope that if it is right, others will naturally see the good in it and be drawn in.

I realize that posting this is already an attempt at some attention. Please forgive me. I just want to learn a better way to live. I want to be truly full of God's love, peace and joy and be emptied of all the junk I constantly fill myself with. I want to be recharged so that I can love people better. I don't know exactly where to go from here, but I have some ideas and "we'll see what happens" I guess.

z

an oldie.

I wrote this a while ago now... but I thought I would post it so that we all, the church, (and when I say church, I mean church universal, the body of Christ, I am not trying to point fingers at any one person or singular church in my community or any other) might be challenged to think twice about everyday stuff we encounter as believers....Feel free to disagree with me. 

This weekend, I went with Zach to a youth conference in Marshfield, WI where the Substance worship band played. I want to make certain that it is understood that I don't think that cooperate worship is unnecessary. I definitely think that it is. It was fun to see so many talented musicians working hard at a high standard of excellence, and rock out while worshipping God with all of their hearts. It was also cool to see so many youth come (who I hope were authentically desperate for God) make commitments to make changes in their lives. I also very much enjoyed getting to know a few people we traveled with on a deeper level, since I don't always have time to have those conversations in passing on a Sunday morning. But while I sat there and listened to the speaker and watched all of the youth and leaders intently listening, and hooting and and hollering on cue to the emotional highs of the evening, I couldn't help but starting to think again about how silly it can be sometimes.  Instead of going on for pages and pages (which I think I could do easily), I want to highlight some things that I have been thinking about and praying about a lot over the course of the last year, and especially in the past few months. 

In the past couple of years, I have watched a few films that have begun to portray the modern Christian-american- evangelical-Church as a sort of theatrical mockery. While many Christians are probably offended by this sort of portrayal (since we all know this is not REALLY who we want to be), I find it interesting to see who we are to the outsiders. What I see portrayed is huge gatherings of people who would like to act excited about their faith, but in real life, have real issues and real problems that they are not always authentic about with the people they are "trying to save." They put together church services that are big and loud and showcase a "cool" version of our faith-- with upbeat pastors and music-- (how do I say this without offending someone?) music that sometimes really isn't that great. I think a lot of non-christians think that we are being brainwashed into our faiths because we are comfortable. Are we honestly and passionately seeking the Truth on our own? Are we being genuine with our friends and family? Are we real about STILL needing God's grace in our lives every single day? Do we act like it? Are we always going back to Him in our desperation instead of always reaching that point again where we become self-sufficient? What if the church was like it was in Acts-- people living in community together, sharing everything that they had, giving everything away of theirs until every need was met? What if our small groups were always personable enough that we could have genuine accountability and prayer support? Mostly, I have been thinking about how much people talk about stuff like that all of the time. Churches talk about stuff like that all of the time. And we are the same. We always keep things the way that they are-- big congregations, small groups that can lack intimate friendships, sermons that are a spiritually tailored to make you think but not necessarily do, and hyped up worship that feels the same as a rock show.  Church "in the box", if you will, no matter how "outside of the box" you try to be.  Don't get me wrong. I know there are reasons why church is the way that it is... but who said that it needed to stay that way always?

Perhaps one of the most comical things about this to me is that we somehow think that our style of evangelism is actually going to reach someone. I know that sounds really harsh, and yes, I think that God can use any and every circumstance to work in people's lives. I also think that a lot of times we are too self righteous to think that we are the ones that need change, that we are the ones that need God to speak to us and use us in ANY way that He desires. We get stuck in the mold of how we always do things. I would like to know: how we are not getting in the way of plans that God has for reaching lost people with His love, when we are so concentrated on staying the same and never changing? Here is something else that I have been thinking a lot about the irony of: Why are our outreach events held at our church? Shouldn't we be going out into our communities, stepping out of our comfort zones and building relationships with people who do not know God's love? Why do we think that handing out tracts is going to reach someone? Again, I am not saying that it cannot, but when did Jesus ever hand someone a little piece of paper with some words on it and expect that they will see God's love through that? He built relationships with people-- not just in comfortable little suburbs, but in the ghettos, and with the people that Pharisees saw as most unlovable and unclean.  I think that the great commission meant more than reaching people that WANT to come to our church, and certainly means more than going across the ocean. I have always found it ironic that we are desperate to make it to the 1040 window, and much less concerned with building relationships with our neighbors, our co-workers, and bar acquaintances. I think that world wide evangelism is definitely important. But perhaps we should start on our own turf. I have heard lately (I wish I had some sort of fact to write about here, but currently our internet is down) that people from all of the world are now concentrating on coming to the United States to evangelize here. Christians everywhere are seeing the need here for American-Christians to have an authentic desperation for God. I wish that we would stop asking people to "pray that prayer", and encourage people to walk side by side with people and demonstrate Christ's love to them in the flesh so that they will be drawn to Him, and know their need for grace as much as we have ours as they go on their journey closer to Him. In addition to evangelism likely being much more appealing when we truly level the playing field, we are also creating a stronger support system. There may not be dozens of converts at every service, but I think we will see more lasting support and authentic spiritual growth within the Body. 

Zach talked with me a lot during this past election about acting on my thinking. I had lots of ideas about reasons why we should have less government, and people just stepping up to help people out who are in need and really giving up things they want to educate people, bring people out of poverty, and conserve our planet. Zach reminded me that it can't work like that, because people don't really ever do that-- and most importantly of all-- I wasn't doing that.  As you can see, I have a lot of thoughts and opinions about what the church is doing wrong. Yet, I am still a part of the church. I am that person that attends a church that can sometimes feel like I am in a live studio audience at an Oprah show, I don't have really any close friends at church and have not made any huge strides in gaining accountability,  and I get hyped up at our worship "rock show" almost every week. I am a part of all of that. I hope that I can be a part of a movement to see some of these things in the church go in a different direction. Mostly, I hope to make changes in my life that will love people that I come into contact with, instead of just demanding that they be saved. I want to learn what it really means to be a Jesus Freak-- to walk a mile in someone else's shoes, and show them grace especially when they are undeserving of it. I want to reach out to people that are poor in spirit, and lift them up. I want to reach out to people that have needs that are unmet, and share what I have with them. I want to make changes in my life so that I am not someone who only talks about stuff like this all the time, but someone who actually does something. 

I had something else I wanted to talk about, but I think this has gone on quite long enough. For another day...

h.

feel the burn.

ok. so i feel like i did a lot of complaining yesterday on behalf of both of us, but really, we are so blessed to be on vacation and we're doing our best to make the most of it. the main reason that we are here is because Jake and Lizzie Ladd were generous enough to give us some flight vouchers for our wedding that they didn't think that they'd be able to use. thank you friends! it's really easy to complain, so i appologize for taking the lazy approach while telling you all about our trip so far. let me try again...

as we approached the Ocean on Monday, anticipation built up inside of me to get my first glimpse of that marvelous sight. i did not get directions at all really for our trip, so we just followed signs and looked for that great body of water that appears to never end. the town of Clearwater was bigger than we thought it would be. it's still a somewhat small, cozy little beach town, but there were lot's of Spring breakers and the beach looked great but we couldn't even find a place to park. we ended up going to a different park a couple miles down the beach where it wasn't as busy. there were tons and tons of fresh shells washed up on shore, so it hurt your feet to be close to the water unless you got out a little deeper. the sand on that beach wasn't the greatest, but the waves were big by where we were, so it was fun to do a little body surfing and pretend that we were on our honeymoon again (if you know what I mean). after our time on the beach we casually headed down the shore line just checking things out. we stopped for a beer and an appetizer at a little outdoor bar and realized we were just a little ways from our condo in Indian Shores. there was an envelope waiting for us at the office, but no one was there and the "emergency number" seemed to be out of service. they did not tell us what room we were in so we split up on different floors and started trying our keys in every room; one by one. luckily about the fourth one worked. it was in interesting room. a great big bathroom and tub, but two double beds. we successfully pushed them together though so don't worry about that :) 

so our plan was to maybe have one night toward the end of our trip that we went somewhere nice to eat and just splurged. well we found ourselves starving at about 9pm on that second night and we stopped at the first place we saw: an Italian cuisine place. so I guess we got our "night out" taken care of right away. We split a delicious meal and appetizer, but with a glass of wine each, key lime pie, and a cappucino it got expensive awfully fast. I think we talked about how we are going to raise our kids the entire time (thanks to Hope... just kidding). don't worry (or get too excited) though; this was just for fun (as of now anyway...)

Our second day on the beach was pretty much a disaster, but we are trying to be as creative and upbeat as possible to not let it ruin our trip. I currently have the worst sunburn in the history of Florida. well, my history in Florida I guess. I haven't decided to go to the hospital yet (ok, it 's probably not quite that bad), but last night I was tempted as I failed to try to spend the night in the bath tub. we both got too much sun. Hope must have missed a spot or forgot to re-apply sunscreen after swimming, but I totally and confidently refused sun-block altogether; being the tough man that I am... now I've been whining like a little girl ever since. thankfully the past two days have been kind of cloudy and there has been a tennis tournament in Miami that we've been watching on tv. we didn't really expect this trip to consist of walking around our air-conditioned condo naked; constantly spraying Aloe on eachother, and laying face-down on the bed watching tennis while swapping out chilled, wet towels to place on our backs every few minutes. I think that I slept for about one hour last night. 

we spent the last two nights in a room with a kitchen, so we have decided to "dine in" for the rest of the trip. we had rotissurie chicken, potatoe salad, beans and rolls the first night. we invented an interesting "sandwich bar" for lunch yesterday, and Hope made a salad while I made a frozen pizza and fried potatoes last night. AND we've had delicious smoothies, coffee, fruit and toast for breakfast the past two mornings. 

the beach right across the street from us does not have the greatest sand or the biggest waves, but it is close, quiet and very relaxing to just go for walks, take pictures and sit and talk. we found a nice little coffee shop to blog at and the lattes are pretty good. 

today we're going to try to find some thrift stores, maybe a disc golf park, and hopefully go back near Clearwater beach to catch some big waves and soft sand one more time before we head back to Orlando for one night and take off for home earlier afternoon tomorrow. 

not having an mp3 hookup in our car to play the ipod led to us buying a couple of CD's at Best Buy when we first got here. one of there songs keeps playing in our heads this week, and we hum it as we think of each other and about our God: "no amount of coffee, no amount of crying. no amount of whiskey, no amount of wine. no, nothing else will do. i gotta have you..." (the weepies). 

z&h

In a state of sunshine?

After enjoying a Sunday morning of Coffee/brunch with the Kinley's (real church) and Disc Golf with Kevin while the wives talked, Hope and I were fortunate enough to set out on our second tropical adventure in six months (almost exactly) since being husband and wife. Kevin and Loran were kind enough to drive us to the airport (real friends :) and we left MN at about 4pm in hopes of escaping some of the routine of our daily lives and the long, deceiving winters of the mid-west. After much debate about what the ideal Florida trip would look like, we settled on an itinerary we thought would be a good combination of simple, relaxing, adventerous and affordable. Although we have had lots of fun so far, and we really have no right to complain (we're in Florida on the beach for crying out loud!), we have managed to defy most of the criteria that we aimed to accomplish in this trip. 

For starters, our plane was delayed about an hour while we waited on a over-sold flight of antsy children who could not wait to see Micky and Goofy for the first time. When we got to Orlando, I, being the spontaneous genius that I am, forgot which car rental company I had made a reservation with. To make a long story short, the 8pm arrival at our condo turned into a near midnight arrival that was made up of a variety of pretty classic travel mishaps that left us both more frustrated than relaxed. Hope stayed a lot more calm than I did; good thing that I married a woman like her :) Once we got the resort peeps to let us into to the outdoor pool and hot tub after hours, we loosened up again and started to enjoy ourselves. Our 10a.m. checkout was part of the big disappointment of being delayed a few hours, but it also really helped that we got that extended to noon; which thankfully allowed us to use the coffee maker and jacuzzi. 

Orlando was a pretty big and busy city that we were glad to get out of as we drove toward the Gulf Coast the next afternoon...

...the coffee shop with wifi is closing so... to be continued...

z&h

today's a better day

There's nothing quite like a damp and gloomy spring morning to remind me that life isn't as bad as I thought it was. As I walked across the half dead, half alive looking grass that seemed to be weeping from another snow fall, I almost felt like comforting it; "it's ok, it will be gone by this afternoon and Spring will be here for good soon", I wanted to say. But I just smiled a little instead as I made my way to our one car and sighed with releif as it once again managed to start up. I often feel the same anxiety, of attempting to begin another day after enduring the wear and tear of all the previous years, when I get up each morning. I am still young though, so I will not express much concern for my aging body yet. This has become a routine for me now. A habit that's as normal as brushing my teeth everyday: I walk outside in my pajamas and flip flops or slippers to start the car for my wife Hope. I used to do it out of concern for the car; I was taught to give old cars some time to warm up. But I quickly found myself doing it because I love Hope. I want her to feel warm and cozy as she starts her day and drives to work. Lately I've also gotten used to selecting some nice music for her morning commute from our new CD player that is hooked up to an ipod. I didn't even know that she noticed this until she told me last week. now I make sure to pick something good that I think she hasn't heard in a while. Our pre-marital counselors advised us to set good habits right away in our marriage. They said that the things we do in the first year or so will set traditions and habits for the rest of our lives. I know that there are certain habits I wish I didn't have right now, and others that I wish I was better at. I am glad that I at least have made this a routine though. It was difficult to see the sunrise through the misty morning snow. But the feeling that I had in my soul told me that the sun was definitely coming up, just like it does everyday. Isn't it silly to think that some days my mood causes me to question something so basic? When I went to bed last night, I wished that I would never wake up. I expected the sun to stay tucked below the distant horizen. I thought that my life would always be dark. It felt like it had always been. I had a bad day yesterday. Not one of those days where a ton of things go wrong, or just the right thing goes wrong to make you so upset. There were definitely things that did not go that well yesterday, but something else was bothering me. I felt a hopelessness and despair that I haven't felt in a while. I know that there have been things stirring inside of me that could have built up to this point. But it still just seemed like it came from nowhere. A good friend told me the other day that circumstances will always be changing for the bad and for the good but there is a place for me to find my joy and constant contentment which transcends my up and down circumstances. I was glad to hear my friends words that night. I thought about them all day yesterday as I felt like I was suffering. I don't exactly know why things are different today. But I know that I was so happy to wake up next to my wife. I was grateful to be alive. z

save me from this bed; save me from the wicked things I love

Today I'm thinking about a story that I read. If you know me well at all, then you know who the book was by. I am thinking about a little lizard on my shoulder. Sometimes it's so small that I hardly know it's there. Sometimes it's tongue hissing in my ear is all I hear, or sometimes it just distorts everything else that I am trying to hear. I don't know how long it has been there. Sometimes I feel like I was born with it there. When I was young I thought it was so small that when I grew up it would get smaller and dissappear. I was wrong. It grows larger as I grow taller. Now it's a dragon. It gets more terrible as I grow wiser. Today I thought about where my skin ends and where it's scales begin. I thought about throwing it off, but it's stuck. I tried cutting it off, but I bled. I had a nightmare where I heard my own voice hissing. There's no doubt in my mind that it must be killed. There's no doubt in my mind that I will die. My heart screams "quick! kill it before I try to keep myself alive!" My soul begs for a new body, a new heart, a new mind. ..."someone find my Maker; I'm coming apart at the seams..." It's hard to submit to death in order to live. It seems like nature accepts this. Why do we spend our lives fighting it?

life as a wife.

This is my first true opportunity to write a little something. The first time that I actually sat down with Zach to write about our wedding experience, I started to get sleepy towards the end. I guess I am getting old now-- since we are attempting now to be IN bed at 9pm. Usually, I am always tired enough to go to sleep at this time, but rarely have everything DONE I was hoping to. I am "living the dream" as they say. God has blessed me a lot this year, and I have everything that I could have ever wanted. I have a real job that I make at least $20,000 a year (which may not seem like a lot to most people, but it is a huge blessing to me after job searching for a full-time job for the past year), we live in a toasty warm house where we have a cute apartment that gets cozier by the day, we have a working car that starts most everyday (with the exception of today, but we'll cut it a break since I wouldn't want to start either if I sat outside all night), we have delicious food to put on our table every evening that I thoroughly enjoy cooking, I have so many friends that still love and support me and encourage me (despite my increasingly busy schedule), we are becoming more invovled at Substance as we just started in a newly-weds subgroup there, and lastly (and most certainly not leastly) my incredible husband comes home everyday and continually loves on me and cares for me in ways that I am certain that God shows him I need most. I am so incredibly thankful. I know that God has given me all that I have. I also know that life probably won't always be as good as it is right now--it usually doesn't stay long-- but I have a glimpse of living a life that is overflowing in abundantly good things-- even when I am not deserving of them in any way. I had coffee with my friend Jackie last week, who was married just two months before Zach and I. We started talking about how great marriage is, and how our lives have changed because of it (in good ways, and in some ways that are much harder). One significant thing that has changed for me (which is perhaps a huge downfall for me) is that it is really difficult to make time to spend time in the Word, and talk to God and journal like I used to. It is just a lot different now. I am trying to focus on making that a priority at a different time during my day if I don't make it a priority right before I go to sleep. Sometimes, Zach and I will read the Bible together and pray before we go to sleep-- which is awesome. But that is not an excuse for me to neglect spending time myself. I think the reason that this is such a big deal to me to do now, is that I know my life has gotten really, really comfortable. But there will be a time when the worldly comforts will be lacking. At that time I am praying that I will not lack a foundation of dependence on God for grace and for every breath that I breathe every second of my day. h