I've never wanted nothing more in my whole life than I do now. The verse "he who loses his life will find it" has never made much sense to me. I understand that it should make sense and that it is the truth, but I've never felt the reality of it fully. Do most people think it's silly to say stuff like "I want to have nothing so that I may have everything"? I guess I should not care what other people think, except for I wish I did have a more persuasive way of saying it. How about: I find emptiness in so many things, at least some in everything, and I can no longer convince myself that I'm living life the right way and gaining joy from it.
The truth is, I have always had true Joy and Hope in my life, but I've always had true emptiness too, and I'm tired of being pulled more toward the empty things; those that seem most appealing, and feeling increasingly distant from Joy and Peace; which are abstract, seem unobtainable at times, and frankly don't very often offer much "pleasure" or "happiness".
It appears that people try to become radical to make some statement; in the end it always feels like they just found a new way to elevate themselves and lower others. I pray that I don't fall into this sinful trap, and I pray that I'm not all talk. I think that radical lifestyles conducted in the way that I just mentioned usually just hurt people and turn people off to someone's new ideas, except for those who see it as a way they too can find some elevation above others.
The non-conformists and radical people I have met and heard of that actually bless me and inspire me are those who don't seek attention; they just try to live their new life the way that seems right and they hope that if it is right, others will naturally see the good in it and be drawn in.
I realize that posting this is already an attempt at some attention. Please forgive me. I just want to learn a better way to live. I want to be truly full of God's love, peace and joy and be emptied of all the junk I constantly fill myself with. I want to be recharged so that I can love people better. I don't know exactly where to go from here, but I have some ideas and "we'll see what happens" I guess.
z
