I miss the days when my brain was incapable of thinking about all of life's stressful complexities. Lately I've felt overwhelmed by all sorts of contradictions and seemingly impossible scenerios.
like learning first hand about a church denomination that is hostile to the one that I was raised in..
like discussing and debating where christians should stand on current issues likes gay marriage rights, economics and social justice..
like hearing someone say "that's a surfer hang out but you can't go there because you're white" and processing what that feels like..
like seeing what's left of a beautiful island and learning about it's culture/history and then thinking about what american business and government has done to it..
like hearing someone give opinions that I usually don't agree with but not knowing how to respond or deciding that I'd just rather hear them out and think it over instead of try to debate something that I probably know very little about..
like having a dream come true and living on a tropical island but only wanting to be with my friends back home..
like feeling like a take my wife for granted and being a boring jerk instead of a loving husband..
like finding out a meaningful worship song that I wanted to lead a congregation in was written as part of a big scandel..
like trying to overcome the dilemma of wanting to love or befriend someone even if my head is telling me there are so many practical reasons to keep my distance because they do or think or represent something that I think it wrong..
like having to think about all of my friends and family and craving to be with them, talk to them, or write to them but deciding that it's too much work and I can't tell them all everything that I want to..
like talking with someone who's studied 13 different languages and is fluent in 5 of them, but realizing at this point in my life such a wonderful feat is impossible..
like feeling that warm feeling inside every time my wife smiles when she sees a baby or a child and then sharp pain of having to ask her to wait longer because I think we should save more money or I should go back to school..
like working on houses with friends and realizing that I remember such a tiny fraction of what my dad taught me about construction and carpentry and wishing I had another chance to learn from him..
like trying to sing and write songs but my voices squeaking and straining and my mind drawing a blank..
like feeling that I could go on and on but not wanting to aggrivate whoever decided to read this and just leaving the rest unsaid..
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Zach, I can't tell you how many of these scenarios I can relate with... My mind shuffles very similar thoughts, I feel like it's only getting worse the older we get. It's hard to hear/fathom/accept the fact that maybe my parents and the church I was raised in, did do some things wrong or for the wrong reasons. Maybe my whole life I've been deaf and blind to real love & grace because the people around me have been deaf and blind just the same? It makes me think of what Cody sings: http://tinyurl.com/yh6fo9t
ReplyDeleteZach,
ReplyDeleteWe have all been there, and a part of us will always be in this place. I don't believe we will ever become truly at rest with what we believe, how can we. There is always more to learn, to experience, to see and to understand. God is so complex and us humans think we can know it all, but that would limit the God of infinite power.
There is Grace for those things.
The first thing that came to my mind when reading your post was the verse that the body is made up of many parts. all that serve different purposes. We Zach can never be everything, and I don't believe we are supposed to be everything. We are all talented and gifted at many different things and together we make a beautiful, drop dead gorgeous version of our creator. We learn, experience and understand God through everyone else's parts. You Zach through all your questions and wonderings are a beautiful part of Gods body.