today's a better day

There's nothing quite like a damp and gloomy spring morning to remind me that life isn't as bad as I thought it was. As I walked across the half dead, half alive looking grass that seemed to be weeping from another snow fall, I almost felt like comforting it; "it's ok, it will be gone by this afternoon and Spring will be here for good soon", I wanted to say. But I just smiled a little instead as I made my way to our one car and sighed with releif as it once again managed to start up. I often feel the same anxiety, of attempting to begin another day after enduring the wear and tear of all the previous years, when I get up each morning. I am still young though, so I will not express much concern for my aging body yet. This has become a routine for me now. A habit that's as normal as brushing my teeth everyday: I walk outside in my pajamas and flip flops or slippers to start the car for my wife Hope. I used to do it out of concern for the car; I was taught to give old cars some time to warm up. But I quickly found myself doing it because I love Hope. I want her to feel warm and cozy as she starts her day and drives to work. Lately I've also gotten used to selecting some nice music for her morning commute from our new CD player that is hooked up to an ipod. I didn't even know that she noticed this until she told me last week. now I make sure to pick something good that I think she hasn't heard in a while. Our pre-marital counselors advised us to set good habits right away in our marriage. They said that the things we do in the first year or so will set traditions and habits for the rest of our lives. I know that there are certain habits I wish I didn't have right now, and others that I wish I was better at. I am glad that I at least have made this a routine though. It was difficult to see the sunrise through the misty morning snow. But the feeling that I had in my soul told me that the sun was definitely coming up, just like it does everyday. Isn't it silly to think that some days my mood causes me to question something so basic? When I went to bed last night, I wished that I would never wake up. I expected the sun to stay tucked below the distant horizen. I thought that my life would always be dark. It felt like it had always been. I had a bad day yesterday. Not one of those days where a ton of things go wrong, or just the right thing goes wrong to make you so upset. There were definitely things that did not go that well yesterday, but something else was bothering me. I felt a hopelessness and despair that I haven't felt in a while. I know that there have been things stirring inside of me that could have built up to this point. But it still just seemed like it came from nowhere. A good friend told me the other day that circumstances will always be changing for the bad and for the good but there is a place for me to find my joy and constant contentment which transcends my up and down circumstances. I was glad to hear my friends words that night. I thought about them all day yesterday as I felt like I was suffering. I don't exactly know why things are different today. But I know that I was so happy to wake up next to my wife. I was grateful to be alive. z

save me from this bed; save me from the wicked things I love

Today I'm thinking about a story that I read. If you know me well at all, then you know who the book was by. I am thinking about a little lizard on my shoulder. Sometimes it's so small that I hardly know it's there. Sometimes it's tongue hissing in my ear is all I hear, or sometimes it just distorts everything else that I am trying to hear. I don't know how long it has been there. Sometimes I feel like I was born with it there. When I was young I thought it was so small that when I grew up it would get smaller and dissappear. I was wrong. It grows larger as I grow taller. Now it's a dragon. It gets more terrible as I grow wiser. Today I thought about where my skin ends and where it's scales begin. I thought about throwing it off, but it's stuck. I tried cutting it off, but I bled. I had a nightmare where I heard my own voice hissing. There's no doubt in my mind that it must be killed. There's no doubt in my mind that I will die. My heart screams "quick! kill it before I try to keep myself alive!" My soul begs for a new body, a new heart, a new mind. ..."someone find my Maker; I'm coming apart at the seams..." It's hard to submit to death in order to live. It seems like nature accepts this. Why do we spend our lives fighting it?